KC Music Shop: Signs of An Abused Woman | Battered Women | Emotional, Psychological and Mental Abuse

Signs of An Abused Woman Battered Women Emotional, Psychological and Mental Abuse

Are you being abused?

Trust your gut feeling...

"One of the best ways to tell if you are being abused is to trust your gut feeling. This is a difficult task, if your abuser has managed to make you doubt your own sanity, but it is vital to your survival and healing.

Certainly, if they are physically abusing you, there will be scratches, bites, bruises, cuts, and other injuries to indicate what's going on.

Remember that assaulting and battering someone is a criminal offense, and you don't deserve it no matter how old or young you are, how mad the person became, or whether you were having a heated argument with them beforehand."

As the saying goes: "Your right to hit me ends where the end of my nose begins." - Maia

Psychological and emotional battering, through verbal abuse, accompanies physical battering. It kills your spirit. It cripples your self-esteem and your sense of self-worth. In many ways, this type of abuse does far more damage and long-term devastation than do physical blows. Unfortunately, with this type of abuse, it can't be recognized as easily as a black eye, a bruise or a broken bone... and it almost always occurs behind closed doors.
Because they have not witnessed your partner acting abusively, friends and family members often do not understand or believe. Abusers are usually excellent actors, therefore, many people outside your home may only know your partner as a "wonderful person" or a "really great guy." Little do they suspect how cruel and spiteful your partner truly is.
Closed door abuse, in whatever form it takes... breaks hearts. We are left alone to wonder... Why does he treat me like this? Why only me? Why not anyone else?
When our partner abuses us in any way, our self-esteem and self-worth begin to wither and die. We may think there is something "wrong" with us. We may begin to feel that we are not likeable or loveable. We may turn to drugs or alcohol to help us cope. We feel shamed... eventually we may feel angry and enraged.
Please be aware: When anger is hidden or buried or turned inward... it can often make itself known through "depression." We may think, feel and honestly believe that we are suffering with depression, but in truth, we are quietly eating ourselves up with repressed rage over feeling hurt, humiliated and isolated.

Psychological and Emotional Battering Through Verbal Abuse

Nobody has the right to abuse anyone else, ever.
Many women think or believe, that if they are not being physically harmed by their partner, then they are not being abused. This is far from true. If you are in a relationship which is draining something from you... you might not have recognized that your partner is eroding your self-esteem and happiness through verbal, mental, emotional and other forms of abuse.
The following is a list of ways to tell if someone is abusing you without physically touching you:

Discounting: Does the abuser ignore or disparage your feelings? Do they put down your feelings? Do they dismiss you with statements such as, "you're too sensitive" or "you don't have a sense of humour" or "you're just taking it wrong"?

Withholding: Does the abuser stop speaking to you when they're displeased? Do they ignore you? Do they withdraw affection in order to punish you?

Countering: Does the abuser tell you you're wrong if you don't agree with them? Do they argue against your every thought? Do they tell you your feelings are wrong? Do they tell you that you don't know what you're talking about? Do they forbid you from having your own opinions?

Ridicule [Verbal Abuse Disguised as Jokes]: Does the abuser make fun of you? Do they ridicule you regarding subjects about which you are particularly sensitive? Do they seem to enjoy it? Do they accuse you of not being able to take a joke? Do they use sarcasm to put you down?

Blocking and Diverting: Does the abuser change the subject when you try to bring something up? Do they divert serious discussions by accusing you of various things?

Accusing and Blaming: Does the abuser blame you for everything that goes wrong? Do they accuse you of hurting them when you tell them your feelings? Do they accuse you of having affairs? Are they jealous?

Trivializing: Does the abuser belittle what you say? Do they dismiss your feelings or accomplishments? Do they insult you when you express pride in your own abilities? Do they act as if your work is no big deal?

Under-mining: Does the abuser squelch your enthusiasm with insensitive comments such as, "You wouldn't understand", or "You'll never make it"? Do they sabotage your ideas by pointing out all the ways in which they might fail? Do they interrupt you when you need time alone?

Threatening: Does the abuser threaten you, overtly or covertly? Do they threaten you with violence? Do they threaten you with emotional pain? Do they threaten you with knives, guns or some other weapon?

Name-calling: Does the abuser use vulgarities to insult you? Do they call you cruel names? Do they use terms of endearment with intense sarcasm?

Forgetting: Does the abuser make a promise and then "forget" to keep it? Do they pretend not to remember certain incidents or discussions? Do they pretend not to remember prior agreements?

Ordering: Does the abuser order you to do something instead of asking? Do they demand things?

Judging and Criticizing: Does the abuser find fault with everything you do? Do they tell you that you "ought to" or "should" do things a certain way?

Denial: Does the abuser deny that certain things happened? Do they tell you that they didn't say something, or that you never saw something occur?

Abusive Anger: Does the abuser erupt into a rage when they are angry? Do they scream, yell, or shout? Do they hurl obscenities? Does their body language become more aggressive? Do they stomp, strut, hit things, or hit you? Do they become red in the face? Do they throw things?
Do they physically get in your way, or follow you from room to room? Do they snap at you? Are they usually irritable? Does all of this usually take place in private, when you are alone? [It's a sure sign things are escalating if the abuser attacks you in public.]

Refusal to Accept Responsibilty: Does the abuser blame you for their anger?

[ Psychological & Emotional Battering from Maia's abuse survivor site. Thank you for making this information available ]

Destruction of Property and Pets

Another type of abuse manifests itself in the form of destruction of property and pets. Unlike physical or sexual violence, this form of battering is done without actually attacking or ever touching the victim's body. It is, nevertheless, an assault on the victim.

With this type of abuse, the destruction is not random.
The abuser exhibits anger by destroying the victim's favorite possessions that are thrown against the wall, a gift he gave during courtship, a pet puppy is kicked, a family heirloom destroyed, etc. The objects chosen for destruction are aimed at hurting the victim emotionally as well as a demonstration of power and control.
Occasionally the objects destroyed are selected randomly, but the destruction is still purposeful. To make a point, objects are thrown or destroyed and the victim never knows when the assaults on property will turn into physical assaults. As is consistent with battering and abuse of any type, the victim is usually blamed for causing the outburst or destruction of the property.
This type of violence normally does not stay contained within the area of property and pets, but escalates to include violence directed physically toward the victim. Don't ignore the danger of this type of abuse!

Other Abusive Acts and Behaviors

Financial Abuse or Exploitation: Does your abuser control how you spend money, where you work and what property you buy? Spend all family income including your money or savings? Use credit cards without your permission; destroying your credit rating? Force you to turn over your benefit payments?

Spiritual Abuse: Does your abuser put down or attack your spiritual beliefs? Not allow you to attend the church, synagogue or temple of your choice? Force you to join or stay in a cult?

Sexual Abuse: Does your abuser touch you or act in a sexual way that you don't want? Force or pressure you into sexual acts? Not let you have information and education about sexuality? Infect you with HIV or other sexually transmitted diseases?

Neglect and Isolation: Does your abuser not let you see a doctor or dentist? Take away TTY, hearing aids or a guide dog? Lock you in the house without a phone? Not allow you to take courses such as ESL (English as a Second Language) or other educational classes?

How does your partner treat you?

How many of these abusive things has your partner done to you?

Has he ignored your feelings? Does he ridicule or insult women as a group?
Has he ridiculed or insulted your most valued beliefs, your religion, race, heritage or class?
Does he withhold approval, appreciation or affection as punishment?
Has he continually criticized you? Called you names? Shouted at you?
Does he humiliate you in private or public? Has he refused to socialize with you?
Has he kept you from working? Controlled your money? Made all decisions? Has he refused to work or share money?
Does he play mind games on you? Does he tell you you're crazy or sick?
Has he taken car keys or money away from you?
Does he threaten to leave you or tell you to leave? Has he manipulated you with lies and contradictions?
Has he threatened to hurt you or your family? Has he abused, tortured, killed pets to hurt you?
Does he harass you about affairs he imagines you are having? Does he say that he will kill or hurt herself if you break up with him?
Has he destroyed objects or furniture? Kicked holes in walls? Broken appliances?
Has he wielded a gun or weapons in a threatening way?
Does he tell you that if you changed he wouldn't get angry with you? Does he have a short temper that escalates intensely if you oppose him?
Does he make excuses for him abuse by saying it's because of alcohol, drugs or something you did?
Does he always check up on you or question you about what you do when he is not around?
Does him jealousy and control stop you from seeing friends or family? Does he prevent you from going out or doing things you want to do?

Does he do any of these things?

ignore your feelings?
disrespect you?
ridicule or insult you then tell you its a joke, or that you have no sense of humor?
ridicule your beliefs, religion, race, heritage or class?
withhold approval, appreciation or affection?
give you the silent treatment?
walk away without answering you?
criticize you, call you names, yell at you?
humiliate you privately or in public?
roll his eyes when you talk?
give you a hard time about socializing with your friends or family?
make you socialize (and keep up appearances) even when you don't feel well?
seem to make sure that what you really want is exactly what you won't get?
tell you that you are too sensitive?
hurt you especially when you are down?
seem energized by fighting, while fighting exhausts you?
have unpredictable mood swings, alternating from good to bad for no apparent reason?
present a wonderful face to the world and is well liked by outsiders?
"twist" your words, somehow turning what you said against you?
try to control decisions, money, even the way you style your hair or wear your clothes?
complain about how badly you treat him?
threaten to leave, or threaten to throw you out?

say things that make you feel good, but do things that make you feel bad?
ever left you stranded?
ever threaten to hurt you or your family?
ever hit or pushed you, even "accidentally"?
seem to stir up trouble just when you seem to be getting closer to each other?
abuse something you love: a pet, a child, an object?
compliment you enough to keep you happy, yet criticize you enough to keep you insecure?
promise to never do something hurtful again?
harass you about imagined affairs?
manipulate you with lies and contradictions?
destroy furniture, punch holes in walls, break appliances?
drive like a road-rage junkie?
act immature and selfish, yet accuse you of those behaviors?
question your every move and motive, somehow questioning your competence?
interrupt you; hear but not really listen?
make you feel like you can't win? damned if you do, damned if you don't?
use drugs and/or alcohol involved? are things worse then?
incite you to rage, which is "proof" that you are to blame?
try to convince you he is "right," while you are "wrong?"
frequently say things that are later denied or accuse you of misunderstanding?
treat you like a sex object, or as though sex should be provided on demand regardless of how you feel?

[ Does he do any of these things? from drirene.com. Thank you for making this information available ]

How do you feel around your partner?

Do you feel nervous around him?

Do you have to be careful to control your behavior or what you say to avoid his anger or bad temper?

Do you feel pressured by him when it comes to sex?

Are you afraid of disagreeing with him?

Does he make you feel ashamed, embarrassed or humiliated?

Does he make you feel like you are wrong, stupid, crazy, worthless, or inadequate?

Do you ever feel scared around him because of him violent or threatening behavior?

Do you often do things to please him, rather than to please yourself?

Do you feel that nothing is ever good enough for him?

Your situation is critical if the following applies to you:

You express your opinions less and less freely.
You find yourself walking on eggshells, careful of when and how to say something.
You long for that softer, more vulnerable part of your partner to emerge.
You find yourself making excuses for your partner's behavior?
You feel emotionally unsafe.
You feel its somehow not OK to talk with others about your relationship.
You hope things will change...especially through your love and understanding.
You find yourself doubting your memory or sense of reality.
You doubt your own judgment.
You doubt your abilities.
You feel vulnerable and insecure.
You are becoming increasingly depressed.
You feel increasingly trapped and powerless.
You have been or are afraid of your partner.
Your partner has physically hurt you, even once.

[ Situation Critical... from drirene.com. Thank you for making this information available ]

Feeling scared, humiliated, pressured or controlled is not the way you should feel in a relationship. If you have those feelings listen to them. They are telling you that something is very wrong with your relationship.

"Emotional abuse is underneath all other types of abuse.
The most damaging aspect of abuse is the trauma to our hearts and souls from being betrayed
by the people that we love and trust." - Robert Burney

Heart 2 Heart gratefully acknowledges and sincerely thanks all resources :)